Dear Diary, and Dear Readers,

I never thought I’d be writing this. Not in a million years. Typing through tears. Liam Payne, our precious Lima bean.. gone? How? Why? We’ll never know. But it feels so unreal, feels like a personal loss, am I being selfish? Because it feels like I lost a piece of my past that I wanted to keep with me forever. It feels like one of those nightmares that you desperately want to wake up from, but it’s real.

I know most of us didn’t know him personally or maybe there are few people out there saying, “I mean… he’s just a singer.” But it doesn’t really feel that way, does it? It feels like we’ve lost a friend, someone who was always there, a constant presence in our lives. Liam wasn’t just a pop star, he was a testament of time. On those sleepless nights when everything felt wrong, we’d hear More Than This play from the far end of the room, his voice shining through like a guiding light. It feels so wrong, like this was not supposed to happen. Losing him feels like losing an anchor to those years, when life was simpler and One Direction brightened our entire world.

And Oh, I know your secrets *cue the devil’s laughter* you can’t lie to me. I know because I was one of you. We were all there, weren’t we? Staying up late, scrolling through One Direction imagines on Facebook where somehow you ended up meeting one of the boys backstage, and boom you were suddenly the love of his life. And don’t even get me started on the Wattpad stories where Liam was the protective, caring boyfriend/husband, the guy who’d pull you into his arms and make you believe that everything would be okay. Those were the days, when life felt endless, and their voices were the background to every emotion we didn’t know how to express.

And now here we are. Crying over Instagram posts, scrolling through old interviews, and watching their their X factor video diaries days, their music videos, live performances, tours. Oh and let’s not forget the movie “This is us” where we met a huge community, a fandom where we felt like we belonged.

Actually let me tell you a little story. My best friend and I met on the 14th of January in 2017, after a David Guetta concert in my hometown, Hyderabad, India. So there we were, driving home, and she’s in the front seat blasting music. Suddenly, I hear One Direction playing, and I just had to ask, “Ooh, who’s the directioner here?” Her head pops out from the front seat like a meerkat, eyes wide, and she’s like, “ohmygosh wait, you too?” It was like finding a long lost soul sister. She immediately played Up All Night and we were scream-singing every lyric like our lives depended on it. That moment? Sealed our fate. We’ve been inseparable ever since, all thanks to the boys who’ve been the soundtrack to our lives. Funny how these 5 boys can do that, bring together people in the most unexpected ways. And now we sit here mourning the very thing that brought us together.

Remembering those days when Daddy Direction kept the boys in line, always with that cheeky smile. We’d laugh, they’d laugh, and we’d spend hours watching them be their goofy selves. And let’s not forget all of their adorable attempts at dancing on their live performances, made us love them even more. “We’re only getting older, baby,” he sang, and wow, didn’t that hit harder now than it ever did before?

Liam was the steady one, the responsible one, always looking out for the others. But he wasn’t just the backbone of the band, he was ours too. How many of us found comfort in his voice when the world felt too heavy? when things were going south, we’d blast One Direction, and suddenly, it felt like we could breathe again. They weren’t just singing to us, it felt like they were singing for us.

Now he’s gone, at 31. And it doesn’t make sense. It feels so wrong. Too soon. He was supposed to be there for the long haul, wasn’t he? Remember those interviews with the boys? It was a fan edit where all of them said they would love for a reunion to happen? Someone said it could happen in 2025? We all clung to that hope like a lifeline, counting down the days to those sold out arenas and seeing them back together on stage, belting out “Story of My Life” like they never left. That is now a distant dream. It won’t be the same without him. We won’t hear him sing those words again and it’s devastating. But you know what? If a reunion does happen even without him, all of us would go if we can without a second thought, to honour him and celebrate him.

Scrolling through instagram for the past three days, seeing all the old pictures, all the tributes, it’s like a punch to the gut. I see those videos and photos and for a second, I smile but the tears are right there too. Because I know we can’t go back. It’s bittersweet isn’t it? Seeing them laughing in those interviews, teasing each other, remember the time when Liam pulled down Harry’s pants during one of their shows? But he was always there to pull the band back together when things got crazy.

It’s not just Liam, we are losing. We’re losing our childhood, all our childhood icons like Professor Snape, Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, Chandler, and now Liam Payne. It’s as if the universe is trying to remind us that we’re not 14 anymore. It’s like watching pieces of our youth burn and vanish into thin air. Our posters, our teen crushes, and our fanfic dreams fading into oblivion.

Now, we’re out here dealing with taxes and rent. Seriously, no one prepared us for this. I’d rather go back to the days when all I had to worry about was my dream wedding with Zayn Malik in my head. But now? We’re the adults, and it’s terrifying, because with every loss like this, it hits harder. We’re not 14 anymore, and man, does that suck.

Dear Lima Bean,

It doesn’t feel real, writing this, knowing you’re not here anymore. But I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being the voice that saw me through so many stages of my life, from my awkward teenage years to now, where I’m supposed to be an “adult” whatever that means. You were the calm in the chaos, and the voice I turn to, even now, on nights when everything else feels too overwhelming,

You aren’t just a part of one direction, you were a part of Our direction. You were there when I met the people who changed my life for the better singing Up All Night, literally. You were there for every heartbreak, every celebration, every moment when the world felt heavy. And now losing you is like losing a piece of myself, of my youth, and it hurts in a way I wasn’t prepared for.

Thank you for the Midnight Memories, and the way you made us feel like we were a part of something bigger. I talked to you so many times, in the middle of the night, hoping you’d listen, and your voice came through to me, so many times. you’ll always be that anchor to me. I hope wherever you are, you know how much you meant to all of us. I’ll miss you, and I’ll love you forevermore, more than words could say.

With all my love,

A Directioner forever.

A message to Bear.

Dear Bear,

I know you’re still too young to understand, but your dad was a superhero. One day, when you’re older, you will know that he was a hero to millions of us. He gave us music that lifted our spirits, a voice that comforted us on our most difficult days, and a kindness that made us feel like we were never alone. And though he’s not here anymore, I promise you that we will always keep his memory alive.

We’ll tell you all the stories of how he kept us smiling through our tears. We’ll make sure you know how much he loved you, and how proud he was to have you. We’ll play his songs and belt them out loud, as a reminder of the incredible man he was, both on and off the stage. Your dad may not be there with us anymore, but I promise, his legacy, his love for the people around him, and the joy he brought to the world will never fade.

You have 4 amazing uncles who love you just like your dad did and will always be there with you and take care of you.

We’ll be here and we’ll take care of you too, Bear, just like your dad was there and took care of us.

Always and forever.